Men and women gift giving guides

At this time of year most cultures get busy shopping for holiday gifts. Men, if you are in a relationship you MUST think a gift or think singlehood forever.

Stores bombard consumers with innumerable ads, enough to make the most decisive person’s head swim. For you guys debating over the perfect gift for your lady here are a few tips:

1) NEVER get ANYTHING associated with weight. These include: candy, clothes, undies, diet programs, fat retreats, or Heaven forbid–the weight-loss massage. The only person losing weight will be you. Heads weight about 10 pounds you know! I don’t even care if your sweetie tells you she loves something and the correct size. You are DOOMED. If it’s too big, she know you think she’s fat, on needs more up top. If it’s too small, you think she’s fat. The only thing that might apply is chocolate fi you get a cute little box with no more than four chocolates–that you SHARE. Women are very big on this sharing thing. Now if you are shopping together (women: aww; men: oh my god I’m BORED!) it is okay to fork out for what she picks. Just don’t get it your self!!!!

2) Know thy woman: If your dearest is allergic to or hates something–and you know it, don’t buy it.

3) Do gift cards work?  Yes and NO!  If you have been married 10+ years a simple  “here you go” gift card will suffice. Under 10 years-nope. UNLESS–you go shopping with them. (Women: aww; men: barf)

4) Honey-do certificates work really well. Only, you have to be willing to actually do said promise on command.

5) Handmade presents: These can work super-well as long as you don’t give your sweetie a handmade grenade launcher or other object you think is nice. (But, as I said above: Know your woman. Some women would like one of these–yet, you are probably not in a relationship with one of them.)

6) The useful gift: This is the second “mother-of all-bad-gifts” NEVER give your woman something to clean with like a new vacuum, dishwashing sponge, etc. These are important family purchases not a gift. The only cleaning that will be done will be your clock. You’ll spend the rest of the week in search of a good housekeeper.

Got all that guys. Yeah, it is pretty hopeless. I wish I could give you insight into the twisted female mind, but I’m one and I still don’t understand them–us. Just admit we are the rulers of the universe and you are merely pawns in our game and you’ll come out all right. Good luck!

Women’s gift guide for men:

 Luckily men are much simpler than women to shop for. in a nutshell: If they can’t eat it, screw it, or blow it up, they are not interested. There are some intellectual/artsy guys out there, but chances are you are not in a relationship with one!

 They don’t really care if something is made especially for them or not. It’s just a thing and the holiday is just another day. Aren’t you glad we aren’t one of these boring, insensitive creatures?What a boring life they must have. Egad.

On your mark. Get set. SHOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Happy Holidays!

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2 comments

  1. LOL, I am one of those women who would think the grenade launcher pretty cool. And I also am one of those women who love useful gifts – especially stuff for my garden. A truckload of rabbit manure would be a most welcome gift for someone like me!

    However, I don’t think I fall into the “normal woman” category, so your gift-giving guide is a much better bet!

    1. Ha! Yes we interesting ladies are a bit different and fall under the “Know Thy Woman” category!

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